Deep Throat Returns: Insider Notes from the Pentagon

Give Us Our War… uh, I mean Circus!

2 January 2003

William Safire, long-time neo-con and one of many vocal and erudite chickenhawks with a burning itch for Saddam, says it straight up in the New York Times today!

“Bush should tell China's Hu, Russia's Putin and South Korea's Roh that the U.S. is not the only ringmaster in this three-ring circus.” He writes, “If they want to protect their own nations, it is up to them to follow our lead against terrorists, stay out of our way in Iraq and take the lead in straightening out North Korea.”

You have to love the imagery – we are “ringmasters” along with China, and Russia, according to Safire, South Korea. We have Dubya, Hu, Pu and Roh running the world. Kind of like those SUV ads introducing four men in the woods nicknamed "Slack Jaw", "Li'l Opie," "Sarge," and "Buggie."

Well, not exactly. Slack Jaw and his buddies are good friends who are in the wilderness together, driving a very versatile off-road vehicle and communicating in a grunt-like but serviceable common language. Dubya, Hu, Pu and Roh haven’t evolved that far yet.

While Dubya is cracking the whip on the growling, yellow-eyed Saddam, Takriti tail swishing with the evil horrendous things if would do to us if only he could, Safire notices trouble under the big top.

Some of the other ringmasters (surely Safire meant “junior ringmasters”) are dropping balls, breaking plates, or maybe just moving mirrors. In any case, the illusion required to sustain the excitement of the three-ring circus is being destroyed. And by golly, it’s not W’s fault!

Safire does his best to defend the neocon war position – reality bites and truth stings, but it’s the role-playing we need to work on, he says! And we (the US and our UK mini-me) have already claimed the Middle East as our crusade, er….area of interest. Why can’t the rest of you just get on board and “follow our lead” in your own ring? I mean, like Safire says, it’s all about hegemony, isn’t it? And a little booty, too!

And while we’re at it, if China and Russia and South Korea want to protect themselves, they better make sure North Korea knows the routine.

With all due respect to little Billy Safire, I don’t think the No Dongs are exactly pointing at Russia and China. And seriously, why would Chechnya buy much from North Korea when her dear neighbors already sell at bargain prices, know what the customer wants, and offer free shipping?

Yeah, North Korea might try to take over South Korea, but it will probably be the other way around, right after South Korea finally shows US forces the door. I mean, even Safire must know that paper covers rock! Economic power trumps brute force when you play the game long enough.

Sorry, Bill. Sometimes even the best mental gymnasts fall down in front of the crowd, and you blew it today. North Korea IS a US problem – in direct threat terms, as global WMD proliferaters and supporters of our enemies, and in a more subtle and far more interesting way, as the perceptive little boy who called the emperor’s bluff. Remind me again – which national leader today is more noisily proliferating, threatening, redrawing lines of sovereignty and empire through threats and force, not diplomacy?

This show is surely the greatest on earth. Unfortunately, the big crowds expected by the neo-con hawkers haven’t quite shown up yet. But have faith, oh feathered ones! Representative Charlie Rangel is going to bring back the draft!

Rangel wants more American citizens involved in the politics of the upcoming adventurism. He wants people to ask Washington why America is just as secure as it was 18 months ago, but a lot less free. He wants a national conversation on why we are going to war with Baghdad next month when Iraq did not attack us on 9-11. Of course, it could be payback for the USS Stark in May 1987, but we really should talk.

Somehow, I don’t think the neo-con ticketmasters will appreciate the irony of Rangel’s proposal. Instead, they’ll pat each other on the back and count the heads. And above all, they’ll feed the tiger. Because while they are confused about many things, they have no doubt about which performers are earning their pay.